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DIE YOU LITTLE BITCH

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A pillar of blue light slammed down on Blue team’s Blue Buff Camp! Zeng Rui, whose Jarvan IV was fighting the Blue Sentinel, felt his heart stop. “Irelia! Irelia is teleporting in! Where’s TF?” he asked over Team Shanghai’s voice chat.

“On me,” Lin Feng replied, calm.

Zeng Rui panned his camera towards Lin Feng’s Kalista, who was still fighting the Gromp, and then a bit further up to where Twisted Fate was teleporting to. He then moved his camera down and spotted Thresh running past his inner tower and towards the Jungle. Fuck! They’re flanking us! I need to save Lin Feng! We need him alive! He glanced at his skill and grimaced. He’s too far away. I need to… He sighed and then had his Jarvan IV dash towards Lin Feng’s Kalista with his flag-toss combo.

Team Guangzhou’s Thresh saw Zeng Rui’s Jarvan IV dashing towards Lin Feng’s Kalista and knew there was a chance there. His fingers glided over his keyboard as he linked several skills together. A mottled flash of light carried his Thresh past the players from Team Shanghai and into his top side Jungle. He followed up with a Death Sentence, his scythe flying over a Jungle wall and latching onto Jarvan IV at the end of his dash animation. He then threw his lantern behind him with Dark Passage, waited just long enough for Lee Sin to click it and finally activated Death Sentence again, pulling himself towards Jarvan IV and Kalista!

“OH SHIT! KALISTA IS IN DANGER!” Zephyr screamed into his microphone. He stared at the monitor in shock and added, “JARVAN JUST KILLED KALISTA!”

Su Xue looked at the fight and searched the minimap for a way in which Team Shanghai could turn this fight around. But she came up empty. She chewed on her lips and said, “Maybe if they can get their Braum and—” The rest of the sentence was stuck in her throat.

Team Guangzhou’s Thresh activated his ultimate skill—The Box! Five spectral walls rose up from the ground and caught Lin Feng’s Kalista and Zeng Rui’s Jarvan IV within. He followed up with Flay, sweeping his chain and scythe backwards. It caught both Kalista and Jarvan IV, lifting them off their feet and flaying them into the spectral wall. The wall applied a powerful slow effect.

Team Guangzhou’s Lee Sin came flying in with Thresh’s lantern. When he hit the ground, he placed a ward behind Lin Feng’s Kalista and hopped towards it with Safeguard. He followed up with his ultimate skill–Dragon’s Rage! He raised his foot and struck Kalista with a roundhouse kick! There was so much power behind the kick that it knocked Kalista up into the air and sent her flying into the spectral wall on the opposite side of the box. Right where Goalie’s Twisted Fate happened to be.

Zephyr shot up from his seat at the caster desk and yelled into his microphone, “They got him now! They got Kalista! He kicked her right at Twisted Fate! This is gonna be a stun and then a kill!”

Below the stage in the player seating area, Chu Fang sat at the edge of his seat and leaned closer towards the large LCD screen above the soundproof booths. He clenched his fists and mumbled, “Come on… Come on… Come on! Don’t screw up now… Don’t screw up now!”

In a different section of the player seating area, Coach Yin looked the complete opposite of the worried Chu Fang. He was grinning and trembling with excitement, mumbling, “Come on! COME ON! DO IT! KILL HER! KILL THAT KALISTA AND FINISH THE GAME!”

Back in the game, Goalie’s Twisted Fate ran down the Jungle path until Lin Feng’s Kalista was kicked towards him. He threw the Gold Card he was holding and followed up with a volley of Wild Cards, both skills striking Lin Feng’s Kalista at the same time.

Lin Feng’s Kalista was stunned. Twisted Fate stood in front of her, auto attacking with playing cards. Behind her, Team Guangzhou’s Irelia finished teleporting and was running to join the fight together with Thresh and Lee Sin. Zeng Rui was trying to run interference there with his Jarvan IV, but Team Guangzhou simply ignored him. The other three Champions from Team Shanghai were in the top lane, separated from the fight by a Jungle wall they couldn’t run through. They hesitated, deciding whether to run around it left or right, or to Flash over it. All the while, Seo’s Tristana was auto attacking them.

“It’s over… It’s over…” Su Xue muttered into her microphone, distraught.

Zephyr nodded and continued, “Definitely is! They’re almost on Kalista and when she’s—” His eyes grew wide and round when he saw a cleansing light wrap around Kalista. The stun was broken. And then a second light wrapped around Kalista. This one teleported her a short distance, dropping her back onto the Rift behind Twisted Fate! Zephyr clutched his microphone tightly and shouted, “OH MY GOD! CLEANSE! CLEANSE! HE CLEANSED IT AND THEN FLASHED!”

Su Xue’s mouth fell open. She stared at the monitor, incredulous, then mumbled, “H-he… He escaped?”

“OH SHIT HE DID! HE ESCAPED!”

“WOW! HE EVEN DODGED THE LEE Q WITH THAT FLASH!”

“HOLY LORD! WHAT THE EFFIN EF!”

“HE STILL HAD CLEANSE!? WHAT THE FUCK!”

“DAMN! FUCK ME! WHAT A FUCKING CLUTCH CLEANSE!”

Lin Feng’s Kalista started throwing spears at Twisted Fate, each one lodging itself into his body. But Kalista didn’t have a stun. She had to run after Goalie’s Twisted Fate as he looked to close the distance with his teammates. Thresh and Lee Sin had used most of their skills, so Lin Feng didn’t worry about them. Irelia on the other hand hadn’t used any of her skills yet.

“Tang Tang!” Lin Feng said over the team’s voice chat.

Tang Bingyao glanced at Lin Feng and smiled. Now it’s time to play hard! Ignore the pinky, ignore the pinky, mhm! She replied, “Pull me!”

Lin Feng’s Kalista pulled Braum’s spirit in with her ultimate skill—Fate’s Call! The second part of the skill was up to Tang Bingyao. She aimed her mouse at the four Champions from Team Guangzhou and clicked. Her Braum launched himself at them, regaining his physical form, and barreled into them! He knocked them up and followed up with his own ultimate skill—Glacial Fissure! He smashed his shield down into the ground, tearing a rift open and causing freezing air to erupt upwards and knock the four Champions from Team Guangzhou up into the air again!

Goalie’s eyes were wide and round in fear. He’d misjudged how quickly they could kill Kalista, and now Braum was there. FUCK! FUCKING DOGS! He ground his teeth and searched for Seo who was still busy attacking Rumble. He isn’t getting a kill there either anytime soon. FuckFuckFuck! I need to survive! We can’t win if I die here! He slammed down on his keyboard, trying to activate Flash the moment his Twisted Fate fell back on the ground. But right then, just before his Twisted Fate had both feet on solid ground again, a Dark Binding hit him and rooted him!

“Ooooh! Nice one, BunBun!” Lin Feng exclaimed.

“Just kill him already,” An Xin replied, smiling.

Lin Feng grinned and said, “On it!” He then activated Rend. His Kalista pulled on the telekinetic link with the spears lodged inside Twisted Fate’s body and pulled them free! They shattered Twisted Fate’s health bar!

You have slain an enemy!

Goalie’s death boomed in Seo’s ear and continued echoing, as if mocking him. His heart leaped up into his throat and cut off air from reaching his lungs. He widened his bloodshot eyes and felt his nose and eyelids twitching. The most intense hatred he’d ever felt coursed through his veins. He glared at Lin Feng’s Kalista and mumbled, “I’m going to kill them all! And I’m going to make you watch!” He then glanced past Kalista at Jarvan IV, whose health was down considerably after trying to protect Kalista. You first.

Seo’s Tristana aimed her cannon at the ground and fired. The recoil lifted her off her feet and sent her flying over the Jungle wall where she landed right next to Zeng Rui’s Jarvan IV. A fire started burning at the edge of her cannon as she activated Rapid Fire. And then she fired. Again and again. Cannonballs battered Zeng Rui’s Jarvan IV and sheared away at his health bar! Buster Shot! Tristana loaded a massive cannonball and fired! It smashed into Jarvan IV and went straight through him!

You have slain an enemy!

“WOOOOOO! WHAT A KILL!” Zephyr screamed into his microphone. He glanced at Su Xue and added, “And that also resets her Rocket Jump!”

Su Xue nodded with her eyes wide open. She was trying to find the words, constantly reminding herself to be impartial. But then she spotted Zhang Hao’s Rumble casting his ultimate skill on top of Team Guangzhou. She smiled. Nice HaoBro! Help Lin Feng win this one! She then said into her microphone, “That was a beautiful kill! But that Rumble ultie is also a great response by Team Shanghai!”

“TEAM SHANGHAI!”

“TEAM GUANGZHOU! WOOOOOOOO!”

“WOOOOOOOO!”

“TEAM GUANGZHOU!”

Seo had his Tristana Rocket Jump back over the Jungle wall and started auto attacking Zhang Hao’s Rumble, when An Xin’s Morgana flashed the other way. She arrived at the Gromp Camp where Lee Sin, Thresh and Irelia were trying to get through Tang Bingyao’s Braum to kill Lin Feng’s Kalista. She glanced at Seo’s Tristana and nodded. He’s still in range. She then smiled and activated her ultimate skill–Soul Shackles!

Morgana unfurled her wings as she tapped into the full potential of her Celestial power! It radiated from her, lifting her off the ground as dark crimson chains manifested around her. They fired at the four Champions from Team Guangzhou and latched onto them, tightening around them and restraining their movement speeds!

“What a beautiful ultimate!” Su Xue exclaimed. She leaned over the desk, letting her emotions carry her casting. “Team Guangzhou is done for! This is all Team Shanghai! That ultimate seals it! Lin Feng is going to kill Lee Sin, Thresh and then Irelia and Team Guangzhou is going to look stupid as they try to make something work!”

Zephyr glanced at Su Xue and raised an eyebrow. I like her. Casters in the LPL are all expected to be dry and monotone and “objective”, and because only those types of casters get hired, you see it happen at these kinds of tournaments too. But what we really need is the type of casters they have over in Europe and America, the kind who knows how to hype up a crowd! He glanced at a monitor showing the crowd. Everyone was up on their feet, everyone was screaming and everyone was having a good time. He nodded at himself and smiled. Yeah. She’s right. This is how you’re supposed to cast. He pushed his microphone to his lips and shouted, “TEAM SHANGHAI FOR THE WIN! WOOOOOOO! LIN FENG PENTA! I’M CALLING IT RIGHT NOW!”

“MORGANA MASTERCLASS!”

“KALISTA PLAYING LIKE A BAWS!”

“SEO GONNA GET WRECKED!”

“WOOOOOOO TEAM SHANGHAI!”

Yu Ping felt like he was knocked in the back of his head by the cheering crowd behind him. He rubbed his head and stared at the large LCD screen in shock. She’s their substitute Midlaner… Yet she’s landing these crucial four man ults like they’re nothing! It’s fucking perfect every time! How is she doing this!? How are they this good? How… How did we not see this coming…? 

Back in the game, Tang Bingyao’s Braum propelled freezing ice from her shield–Winter’s Bite! It hit Lee Sin and applied the first stack from Concussive Blows. The second, third and fourth hits followed soon after, two of them dealt by Lin Feng’s Kalista and one of them by An Xin’s Morgana. Stunned, Lee Sin couldn’t escape the onslaught of spears that pierced him. His health bar dropped until it ran empty.

Double Kill!

Seo growled when the voice announcer boomed in his ears. He ground his teeth and clicked on his mouse more forcefully, as if that’d increase the damage of his auto attacks. DIE! DIE! DIE! YOU STUPID UGLY RUMBLE! DIE! His stomach clenched. He needed Tristana to get the kill faster, because Morgana’s Soul Shackles had a secondary effect. A stun. And if he got stunned, it was game over.

Zhang Hao’s Rumble was almost dead. Two more auto attacks. Seo already started smashing on the W key for Rocket Jump, hoping that pressing it would make it go off early. KIIIIIIIILL! 

Double Kill!

“WOW!” Zephyr exclaimed. He shook his head, incredulous, and continued, “What a timing on that Rocket Jump! He jumped out of the Soul Shackles right before the stun went off! Look! Irelia and Thresh are stunned! But Seo’s Tristana got out!”

The Tormented Soil from Morgana dealt continuous damage to Team Guangzhou’s Irelia and Thresh. On top of that, she also attacked Irelia with auto attacks, as was Tang Bingyao’s Braum. But the two of them together weren’t dealing nearly as much damage as Lin Feng’s Kalista was. She was lunging back and forth, hurling spears at Irelia. When Pierce came off cooldown, she threw the empowered spear for a bit more damage. Irelia’s health dropped sharply until Lin Feng’s Kalista landed the killing blow. The stun from Soul Shackles never even wore off.

Triple Kill!

“WOOO!” Shi Hang exclaimed, throwing his arms up into the air. He grinned and added, “Fucking knew it! His ad-carry is just as good as Autumn’s!”

“Autumn? The Support from America?” Team Rapids’ Jungler asked.

Shi Hang turned his head to look at his new teammate and laughed. He explained, “No, not that one. I’m talking about the one all the way back from Season 1. Hmm… Thinking about it… Have you ever heard about him? No one seems to remember Season 1.”

Team Rapids’ Jungler shrugged and replied, “That was back in Season 1. I know there was some wonderkid or something? Eh, that was then. I didn’t go professional to learn history.”

Shi Hang laughed and turned his attention back to the stream. Come on, Lin Feng! I’m over here waiting for you. Win this series already and get your ass back into the LPL!

“Seo… Seo!” Goalie shouted over Team Guangzhou’s voice chat. “SEO!”

“What!?” Seo asked, annoyed.

“You need to kill him. Stay calm. Kill that Kalista. We need to kill her now or we lose,” Goalie explained.

Seo looked at the fight happening in the Jungle and grimaced. His Tristana was in the top lane, momentarily safe. But he knew Goalie was right. He had to take Lin Feng’s Kalista out before she had the time to regain her health. Morgana and Braum are busy with Thresh. Kalista’s back is open and she only has like a third of her health left. This is it! I’ve got a double already and that’s gonna be a penta! I’m going to be the star! The real MVP! THE MIGHTIEST DICK…err… DUCK! Screw Goalie! I’m the best player in this game! He smiled at that thought and then had his Tristana run through the tri-brush into the Jungle, arriving right behind Lin Feng’s Kalista. Then he screamed at his monitor, “DIE YOU LITTLE BITCH!”

 

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Don't Trust Sietse With Secrets!!

Sietse Thought: You know that moment where a friend comes to you and tells you something in confidence. It’s very clear you’re not supposed to share it with anyone else; you’re there to support him. And like a good friend, of course, I keep my lips sealed. The secret dies with me. But… That doesn’t change this strong fucking desire to tell someone about it. I love gossip, absolutely love it. I need more gossip in my life! And then someone comes to you and tells you something and you just know that you’ve got the freshest bit of juicy intel, something everyone wants to know, but you can’t share it. You have to keep it to yourself.

AND IT’S FUCKING KILLING ME!

It’s funny, it’s hilarious and it’s sad more than anything else. I’m laughing and grinning like Lin Feng just thinking about it. But I can’t tell you guys. I can’t share this joy with all of you, though that’s all I really want… That said, Devshard also knows the ins and outs of this particular secret! He’s just as well informed as I am! Soooooo, though I can’t tell you what it is about—my consciousness forbids me to—he might not feel as restrained as I do. Maybe he will be happy to share with you the thing I shall not name!

Dev Thought: I mean, you know me guys! I’m really good at keeping secrets too! Except in this particular instance, I have no idea what secret Sietse is talking about. And he never dropped me a hint so I could leak it in my usual subtle fashion. 

In other news, Shanks got a job this week. And in the expected spectacular DumbfuckTV fashion, he went to an afterwork party to watch some soccer game in Europe, during which he managed to NTR his boss. We’ve been telling Shanks to go for it in regards to women for a while now. Unfortunately, he only decided to take our advice when it came to a middle-aged woman. Who also happens to be married to his Boss. But that’s apparently just how Shanks rolls. 

And so, the second member of the group has found his powers and ascended to become… 

THE THUNDERCUCK!

Shanks has Thundercucked the Enemy!

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