AFK Ragequit

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The first minion wave clashed in the bottom lane. Tang Bingyao activated Draven’s Spinning Axes. One axe started spinning, winding up for a powerful attack. Then Draven hurled it at a minion. The axe cleaved through the minion’s health bar before ricocheting backwards. Tang Bingyao had her Draven catch the axe. It was spinning again, winding up for another powerful hit. This time her target wasn’t a minion, but rather Red Team’s Support. The axe arced through the air before cutting into Leona. Then it bounced back and Tang Bingyao’s Draven caught it again. The axe spun in his hand, winding up.

Heartless was a decent enough player. He kept his Lucian out of reach from the Draven, afraid of the damage from the Spinning Axes. But that didn’t mean he couldn’t get any poke damage in. Lucian had a longer range and skills that reached even further. The main skill was Piercing Light! He aimed both his guns at a minion which stood exactly in line with Su Xue’s Nami, and then pulled the trigger. A bolt made of pure light shot forward at the speed of light, killing the minion and shaving away at Nami’s health!

The early exchanges in this matchup kept the lane even, though logic dictated differently. Lucian and Leona were a very strong early game combination. This was because Leona had the crowd control to lock Draven down and give her Lucian all the time he needed to get his damage in. But this Draven wasn’t just any Draven. This was Tang Bingyao’s Draven! She knew this Champion like no one else did. And she played this matchup perfectly, dodging Leona’s attempts to engage while constantly poking away at her health.

Unfortunately for Su Xue, her Nami was far squishier than Red Team’s Leona. Just a few Piercing Lights saw her health drop to below half and she was really feeling the pressure. It also wasn’t helping that Lin Feng was breathing down her neck, watching her and making comments about every little misplay she made.

After another Piercing Light caught Su Xue’s Nami, Lin Feng grinned. He leaned over Su Xue’s shoulder and said, “Xue Xue, you really need to practice on dodging Lucian Qs! We can work on that in our next training session! I’m really good at hitting you with Lucian Qs too!”

“Shut up!” Su Xue yelled through gritted teeth. I’m not a Support! I only practice playing Ad-carry! And I’m not even Diamond yet! This ad-carry is Diamond 4! What did you expect? Of course I’m going to have a difficult time! But I’m trying here! Can’t you see that I’m trying?

Blue letters popped up above all four Champions in the bottom lane. Level up! All four Botlaners received a second skill, opening up a whole new combination of possible engages. Red Team’s Leona was the first to make use of this. She projected an image of her sword at Su Xue’s Nami and pierced her–Zenith Blade! As the image faded, she dashed at the Nami!

Heartless winked at his camera, smiling sinisterly, and said, “Told you they suck! She’s dead! Watch this!” He theatrically lifted his finger high above his keyboard and then pressed down on the E key, activating Relentless Pursuit! His Lucian dashed forward and raised both guns at Nami for a double-shot!

Tang Bingyao was an expert Draven. Few in the world could match her. And in her countless games, she’d faced more than her fair share of Leona’s. This Level 2 engage was a staple Leona move. It was the famous Zenith Blade into Shield of Daybreak combo. Tang Bingyao wasn’t going to be fooled by it. She mumbled quietly, “Stand aside.” Her Draven raised his two axes above his shoulder and then threw them forward at an angle. They slashed through Leona, knocking her out of her dash!

“Nice! Thanks!” Su Xue exclaimed.

Tang Bingyao pinged on Lucian and said, “CC him!”

Su Xue nodded. Focus, focus, Su Xue! She had her Nami throw an Aqua Prison at Lucian. Her target was stuck in the animation of his doubleshot. He couldn’t move as the bubble of water arced through the air before wrapping around him and lifting him off the ground. The Lucian was immobilized!

Tang Bingyao pressed on her Q key for a second time. One axe had been spinning in Draven’s hand since the start of the game. The other axe now also started spinning. They went ‘round and ‘round, winding up for critical damage! Tang Bingyao’s Draven charged at the Lucian with the speed boost from Blood Rush and then hurled an axe at him! She followed right up with the second axe! Both cleaved into Lucian, shaving away at his health, before bouncing back.

Su Xue’s Nami used her Summoner Spell Exhaust on Lucian. A debilitating red aura fell over him. His damage became pitifully low as did his movement speed! He was caught out between two enemy champions and his Leona was too far away to help him. Heartless’ eyes went wide in shock. ShitShitShit! I needa run!

Tang Bingyao chased after the Lucian, easily keeping up. She cast Blood Rush to increase her movement speed every time she caught a Spinning Axe. And when he tried to escape with Flash, she smiled. Everything came together perfectly. Lucian flashed towards Leona and Leona flashed towards Lucian. All Tang Bingyao did was follow the Lucian with a flash of her own. She then threw one final Spinning Axe that cleaved away the last of Lucian’s health.

First Blood!

Heartless fell back in his gaming chair, watching his screen lose all its vibrant colours. It became a dull grey. The game announcer’s voice thundered in his head, reminding him of what had just happened. He’d given away first blood to the Draven. I just said I was going to kill the Nami… ThenI ended up getting killed! He gritted his teeth, furious! This can’t be real! THIS CAN’T BE! “FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!” This was one of the worst things that could happen to him. He felt humiliated. He gritted his teeth and glanced at the stream. Those fucking trolls that came from the thot’s stream are making fun of me! Of fucking course! Stupid simps! FuckFuckFUCK!

Heartless suddenly turned to look straight into the camera. There was such hatred and venom in his gaze that it sent cold shivers down the spines of his viewers. He glared like this for a couple of seconds before saying, “That doesn’t count! My Leona trolled there! I’ll get back those kills! Watch me!!”

Draven was a Champion that benefited more from early kills than almost any other champion. This was because of his passive skill that granted him bonus gold every time he got a kill. An early first blood was basically a death sentence for the opposing team. In this case, the Red Team. Heartless’ team. And they were quickly notified of this death sentence. It was only two minutes later that Tang Bingyao caught Lucian slightly out of position and punished him for it with an easy solo kill.

“WHAT THE FUCK!” Heartless shouted, slamming his flat hand on his keyboard. “This stupid Jungler can’t even come to gank! Fucking useless trash!” He shot forward in his chair, moved his mouse over the Jarvan IV, and started spam pinging him. “YES YOU! YOU WASTE OF LIFE! GO DIE OR SOMETHING!”

Red Team’s Jarvan IV cleared several more Jungle camps before indeed going down towards the bot lane. Heartless’ Lucian and the Leona didn’t even need to prepare for the gank because of how far forward Nami and Draven were playing. It looked like the perfect opportunity.

Jarvan IV appeared from the river entrance and engaged Tang Bingyao’s Draven right away. He threw down his standard behind her and struck it with his lance for a flag toss combo! But Tang Bingyao knocked him out of the dash with Stand Aside! More specifically, she hit him at just the right angle to push him into Nami’s Aqua Prison.

Lucian and his Leona Support wanted to come and help the Jarvan IV. But in front of them was a small army of Blue minions. They weren’t sure what to do, hesitating for a brief moment. That was all the time Tang Bingyao needed to hack away at Jarvan IV’s health until there was nothing left.

You have slain an enemy!

Lucian finally joined the fight. But lacking both levels and items, he was freely offering Tang Bingyao a double kill. Draven’s Spinning Axes cleaved away nearly a quarter of his health with each hit. His Flash was still on cooldown. I’m not dying to this again! I WON’T NO! NO! Good.

Red Team’s Leona hit Tang Bingyao’s Draven with Zenith Blade. She dashed at the Draven and then slammed her Shield of Daybreak against him. The stun that followed gave Heartless all the time he needed to get away from the fight and retreat back to his outer tower.

Tang Bingyao narrowed her eyes, forced to watch Lucian escape. But Leona was still right on top of her. I’ll get you instead. Mhm! The stun broke. Her Draven moved, empowered by Blood Rush. Spinning Axes slashed into Leona before ricocheting back into the air. Tang Bingyao’s Draven caught them and then hurled them straight back at the Leona. Her health disintegrated.

Double kill!

Tang Bingyao clenched her fist and smiled. “Mhm! Nice!”

“Great kills!” Su Xue replied, laughing.

TANG TANG 6666666666!
what a stomp!

The game in bot lane was over. Tang Bingyao’s Draven was fed. There was no amount of ganks that could turn this back around. But Tang Bingyao and Su Xue weren’t ready to take down Red Team’s outer tower yet. They both wanted to show off their skills by killing their lane opponents a few more times. So they continued farming minions, waiting for Red Team’s Botlaners to return to lane.

Su Xue glanced at her minimap, confused. She mumbled, “What is their Leona doing in top lane? And where is their Lucian?”

Tang Bingyao was completely focused on last hitting minions and catched Draven’s Spinning Axes. She asked, “Mhm?”

“Their Lucian,” Su Xue repeated. “I haven’t seen him since we killed him. It’s been over a minute! Where is he…?”

Lin Feng grinned and said, “Maybe he ragequit!”

Su Xue giggled and replied, “You might be right! Tang Tang is really not going easy on him!”

lololololol, noob streamer rq
They should ban him if he actually did rage quit….
These kinda of people shouldnt be allowed to play League.

The people watching the stream continued to joke about how Heartless had rage quit. Su Xue and Lin Feng joked and laughed with them about it. But it was all just jokes. No one actually believed that Heartless had gotten so tilted that he quit playing. Until Tang Bingyao suddenly interrupted them by saying, “Mhm… I think he really did…” She pointed at the all chat on her monitor. 

[All] Jarvan IV:gg, 4v5, open mid
[All] Leona:plz report Lucian, he rq
[All] Darius:fuuuuuuuuck, im in my diamond promos too! why does this always happen!?
[All] Ahri:rip, someone report his stream too pls thx x9

Su Xue’s mouth fell open. She just stared at her screen for a couple of seconds before she muttered, “What? He actually ragequit?”

Hahahaha! Tang Tang is a god!
she actually made the madlad ragequit! Looool
Its not nice of you to make people rq, tangtang! …

Shanks' Dream


We’re planning a fun little charity fundraiser thing. A confusing one that’s very in-line with our DumbfuckTV aesthetic. The last year has been a clusterfuck with this whole pandemic thing. Not super great for any of us. But it’s been especially bad in underdeveloped countries and parts of the world. Doctors Without Borders has spent this last year sending physicians and nurses, medical supplies, setting up temporary hospitals and ICUs all over the world to help keep people alive. And now they’re working on trying to get doses of the vaccine out to critical areas where people can’t afford them. It’s a good cause, helps out a lot of people who need it, and the organization itself is one that genuinely uses any money donated to them instead of funneling it into an “administrative costs” void. 

Here’s the fundraiser: 

WHEN: Monday, March 15th 2021
HOW: We’re going to make an announcement post that reads “When I say MOO! You say COW! MOO!
WHAT YOU DO: Comment on that post with the word “COW!” And then whatever else you want. Just make sure COW is in there somewhere.
HOW DOES THIS DUMB THING MAKE MONEY FOR CHARITY?: There are a bunch of people who have pledged to donate $1 for every 10 cow comments! We’ll be doing the same. If you would like to pledge, please contact us on Discord. Link is down below. You can DM any of us if you don’t actually want to talk about this on the server.  

(Just as an FYI, we’re capping every pledge at a maximum donation value of $100. On the off chance that this goes weirdly viral and there’s 50000000 COW comments. We’re trying to do some good while having fun. Not bankrupt the Rise community. If you want to participate and pledge but want a lower pledge cap, or you want to pledge a different amount, feel free to let us know and we’ll work with that.) 

(FYI 2: Right. The Doctors Without Borders organization is now aware that we exist and incredibly confused by us. They’ve stopped trying to figure out exactly what the hell we are, and are now happy to take any donation we give them to get rid of us.) 

Chapter Thought:

Shanks Thought: It’s funny, the kind of memories that stay with you, even a decade after they’ve happened. And they always resurface in the weirdest ways. Since we’re on a trend of talking about dreams lately, I’ll share a dream that I had the other night, and how it triggered a memory of an event that happened literally over a decade ago. 

Last night, I dreamt I was a YouTuber who hosted a Chinese travel vlog channel, and I was in the middle of filming a shoot for my next video. The location was on a raised wooden platform in the middle of the sea, and I had a group of about a dozen Chinese seniors circling the water below. If that wasn’t weird enough, they were swinging around long bamboo poles trying to knock me down from the platform. 

Totally a what-the-fuck situation, I know. But apparently all of it made sense to Dream Shanks. Cause I turned to my camera and started talking about how this was the local tradition to celebrate some obscure event. The whole goal was to knock me down, but I had my own pole that I could defend myself with. So I pointed my camera down at the Chinese seniors and started attacking the old people with my own bamboo pole. 

Eventually, I got finished in the shoot and had to swim back to Shanghai…? Then, when I arrived back on dry land, I had to pass through immigration or something. And when I was waiting to get checked through, I happened to bump into somebody I recognized. An old classmate from 5th Grade. Bella. I hadn’t talked to this girl in over a decade, but I still remembered the time when she was looking at all the boys in the class, saw me, and said, “Ewww.” 

Well, Bella recognized me, But I pretended not to notice her and looked away. She saw through my act right away and immediately got pissed off. So, she stormed up to me and started telling me off and asking if I was too cool to remember old classmates now that I was a famous YouTuber. (I wasn’t by the way. I just instinctively avoid things I have a bad time dealing with.) Anyway, I forgot how the rest of the conversation went, only that I woke up in the middle of it with a feeling of vague satisfaction.

So yeah, my inner psyche was so bruised by a rude remark a girl made at me back in fifth grade that it dreamt up a scenario to get back at her more than a decade later… I honestly have no words.

Sietse Thought: And that, guys, is why Shanks will never get laid.

Dev Thought: I don’t know what this was. At all. But it makes me miss the days when Shanks was running around pretending to be a pony. Those were the simple days. What happened to those days? Every two months or so, I have a brain fart where I decide people need to know the real Shanks, the non-meme version of him. And I think that something different will happen this time. Except it never does. The more I think of it, Shanks is Lin Feng. We’re all waiting for character growth that happens incredibly slowly. And hoping that the payoff will be worth it. 

Our Brand New, Super Awesome Sign Off Message:

Gamer groupies are weird. Think about it. Just a bunch of girls coming up to pro gamers saying things like, “The way you spin to win with Garen makes me go sploosh.” What even is that? Gives me goosebumps. You know what’s even weirder? Webnovel groupies/Translator groupies. We had a few of those in the community back in the day, and THANK LITERALLY EVERY GOD THERE IS, HAS BEEN, AND XENU THAT THEY ARE GONE! 

You guys might think that it is funny, but girls trying to talk to you about grammar to hit on you… makes me gag just thinking back on it. Say words, be a part of the community, a normal one without people like that. Please. 

Comment LIKE if you liked the chapter.
Comment NOLIKE if you hated it.

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