Lin Feng died in the mid lane while Tang Bingyao picked up a kill in the bot lane. But he didn’t really care all that much that he’d lost focus and given away a kill. He was playing Lulu, a supportive control mage. She didn’t need gold to do her job; she just needed to be at the right place at the right time to buff her allies. It was up to Tang Bingyao to do the carrying. A stark contrast from the first three games, where he’d been the one carrying.
There was a brief respite in the game. Westwind used the time to talk the audience through what had just happened. He leaned into the microphone and said, “It’s starting to look like High School 13’s protect-the-ad-carry composition is slowly coming together. The Lulu is scaling pretty well in mid, despite giving away a kill. She’s going to become a real nuisance for Shanghai High School. All she’s gotta do is to use her ultimate on the Vayne and the Fat Lady’s is going to sing. GAME OVER FOR SHANGHAI HIGH SCHOOL! Killing the Vayne before that happens is going to be a real challenge for Shanghai High School.”
“Talking about the Vayne,” Silent Reed interjected. “She’s playing really well this game! Look at her score! We’re only 10 minutes into the game and she’s already on a killing spree! She’s ahead of Kalista and Leona is struggling to stay relevant. Shanghai High School needs to chain their crowd control skills together perfectly if they want to keep any hope of killing that Vayne alive!”
✹
“What I’m saying,” Lin Feng argued over High School 13’s voice chat, “Is that I actually helped the team by giving away that kill! Tang Tang wouldn’t have gotten the solo kill on Kalista if it hadn’t been for me forcing Leona to come to mid! So, you see, you guys should really be thanking me!”
An Xin rolled her eyes and said, “Thanking you? Are you stupid? You could’ve forced that Leona to come mid and survived, if you’d just put up a damn ward! Why didn’t you ward your lane?” She glared at Lin Feng and continued, “And am I hearing this right? Are you really trying to take credit for something Tang Tang did? You screwed up and she made up for it by getting a solo kill! Solo. Kill. She did it all by herself! You didn’t have any part in it. Yeesh, what a glory hog.”
“Mhm!” Tang Bingyao agreed. “He’s shameless.”
“Ah, you two are teaming up! That’s so unfair! Guys, help me out here!” Lin Feng whined. But neither Chen Ze nor Liu Yue replied. Lin Feng looked over at them but they ignored him. Liu Yue even went so far as to look away from him. He shook his head in disbelief and said, “I can’t believe you guys! Oh well, whatever. Tang Tang’s Vayne is fed now. We can all play around her!”
Across the stage, Zeng Rui had a similar thought to Lin Feng. Shanghai High School’s focus was also going to be on the Vayne. “Focus the Vayne first. She has to die before she can kill us,” Zeng Rui said over the team’s voice chat. She’s 3/0/0 and actually playing really well. Now that she’s got her first big item, we can’t stop her in the bot lane. And we can’t take any risks either. If she gets anymore fed, we’ll lose this game before the 20 minute mark! We can’t lose this game! They’re on match point. We have to shut her down!
✹
At 12 minutes, Shanghai High School and High School 13 were hovering around the Dragon pit. Shanghai High School was closer to the bot lane, and High School 13 was closer to the mid lane. They fired skillshots at each other right in front of the Dragon and tried to find an angle for an engage.
Shanghai High School’s Gragas was the first to find an opening. He retreated out of the opponent’s vision and then Teleported to a ward that was hidden in a brush behind High School 13’s team. He came running out of the bush and charged toward Lulu with Body Slam. Then he linked it together with Flash. His momentum was carried over as he blinked forward. His fat belly collided into Lulu and knocked her up. Then he hurled an Explosive Cask into the middle of High School 13’s team. The cask exploded, and all five champions were sent flying in different directions. But the real purpose of the Explosive Cask was to blast Tang Bingyao’s Vayne back towards Shanghai High School’s team, which is what it did.
“GO IN, NOW!!” Zeng Rui ordered over the team’s voice chat.
Shanghai High School’s Yauso saw the airborne Vayne flying towards him. Sort of. What he actually saw were the blinking arrows that connected him to whatever Champion happened to be airborne. His instincts as a Yasuo player responded automatically. He saw the arrows and hit R for his Ultimate with zero concern about where he was headed or where the airborne was. The mark of a true Yasuo. He blinked towards the Vayne with Last Breath and sliced her rapidly with his katana, which kept her suspended in the air. Then he unleashed a mighty slash that slammed her back down to the ground!
The Explosive Cask had also knocked Lin Feng’s Lulu in the general direction of Shanghai High School’s team. The moment she landed on the ground, she sped herself up with Whimsy and caught up to the Vayne. Then she cast Wild Growth on the Vayne! Vayne’s body instantly doubled in size and knocked up the Lee Sin and Yasuo beside her. She also gained bonus health, which she desperately needed after all the damage she took from the initial engage.
Tang Bingyao activated Vayne’s ultimate skill–Final Hour! A dark aura wrapped around the Vayne as she Tumbled away from the Yasuo, turning invisible. Then she circled around to the Yasuo’s flank, getting the perfect angle for a Condemn! She took the large crossbow from her back and squeezed the trigger. A large, heavy bolt flew out and struck the Yasuo. It lifted him off his feet and pinned him to the stone wall of the Dragon pit. Stunned!
✹
Chen Ze’s Irelia and Liu Yue’s Jarvan IV were knocked away from Tang Bingyao’s Vayne by the Explosive Cask. But they did find themselves close to Kalista. The Irelia dashed at her with Bladesurge! Jarvan IV followed with a flag-toss combo and knocked her airborne. Then he came down on her with Cataclysm. He leaped at the Kalista and smashed down on the ground with such force that he terraformed the ground around him into an arena! The impact devastated her health.
There was no follow-up crowd control after the knock-up, so Kalista could use her skills again as soon as she landed back on the ground. She activated her ultimate, Fate’s Call. This skill pulled an Oathsworn ally to her side. Then the ally could launch themselves forward in any targeted direction.
Zeng Rui’s Leona was called to the Kalista’s side. He chose to throw himself at the Irelia and Jarvan IV, knocking both of them up into the air. Then he raised his sword and called down a Solar Flare on the two champions, stunning them!
✹
Tang Bingyao followed up on the Condemn on Yasuo with an empowered auto attack from Tumble. Then she shot another silver bolt. Three silver rings appeared around the Yasuo. They lit up and exploded, dealing true damage! She fired several more auto attacks and finished the Yasuo off. All the while, she was dealing with Gragas and Lee Sin attacking her.
An Xin’s Nami called forth a Tidal Wave and threw out an Aqua Prison. She healed the Vayne and tried to body block the skillshots. But Shanghai High School ignored her and focused down the Vayne.
《Red team’s Yasuo has been slain!》
《Blue team’s Vayne has been slain!》
Shanghai High School shifted their attention to the other four players from High School 13. Lin Feng’s Lulu and An Xin’s Nami dodged and weaved the attacks from the Lee Sin and Gragas. The two focused their own attacks on the Lee Sin. It wasn’t much, but the damage from their skillshots added up. They ran past the Irelia and Lin Feng shield the Irelia by commanding Pix the purple butterfly to her side–Help, Pix! Then he buffed the Irelia’s stats with Whimsy.
Chen Ze’s Irelia broke free from the Leona’s stun and jumped on Kalista again. He stuck close to the Kalista and ignored the Gragas and Leona that were trying to kill him.
《Red team’s Kalista has been slain!》
《Blue team’s Irelia has been slain!》
Lin Feng’s Lulu and An Xin’s Nami were chasing after the Lee Sin, who’d turned from hunter to hunted. His health bar was dropping fast, and the Lulu kept him slowed with Glitterlance. He only had to dodge it once to escape, but the Lulu never missed. He tried to get away with a ward-hop–Safeguard! But the Lulu was too accurate with her use of skills. The Lulu and Nami continued attacking him until the last of his health was depleted.
《Red team’s Lee Sin has been slain!》
High School 13 had three champions surviving the teamfight; Lulu, Nami, and Jarvan IV. This is where the more strategic aspect of the game came into play. Jarvan IV was High School 13’s Jungler, and he’d survived the teamfight. And they had managed to kill Lee Sin, who was Shanghai High School’s Jungler. Whenever teamfights for the Dragon rolled around, the Jungler was the King and Queen. Junglers used the summoner skill Smite. A high damage skill that could only be used on minions and monsters. It was incredibly difficult to kill the Dragon or steal a Dragon kill without this skill. High School 13 had a living Jungler, and Shanghai High School did not. That decided the whole thing. High School 13’s team moved on to the Dragon and started attacking it. Shanghai High School didn’t bother attempting to contest, and pulled back.
“WHAT A FIGHT! WOOOOOO!” Westwind cried out. He raised his fist and shouted, “That went back and forth and back again! But… HIGH SCHOOL 13 CAME OUT ON TOOOOP. Let’s give them a MASSIVE round of applause! WOOOOOOOOO!”
Silent reed clapped her hands and shouted, “The way High School 13 kept their Vayne alive for so long was really special! The Nami and Lulu were phenomenal! That’s how High School 13 won that fight! So, yeah, WOOOOOOO!”
Zeng Rui looked up over his screen at the audience cheering for High School 13. And then he looked over at the two casters who sat on their raised platform. He couldn’t hear what they were saying, but he could guess. “They left the Vayne alive too long, that’s why they lost…” Yes. They’re right. We did lose because we couldn’t burst that Vayne down. They’re running a ‘protect-the-ad-carry’ comp. If we can’t kill the Vayne, we lose. If we kill her, we win.
Zeng Rui frowned. But how are we going to kill her? That’s the real question here. Our burst damage right now clearly isn’t enough. Yasuo needs another item and Gragas has to get some more ability power. Then we should have enough damage to kill her, I think… His frown deepened. But this fight was already completely in our favour. The Vayne didn’t have Flash or Heal and we got the drop on her! That was the best chance we had! In the next fight, she’ll have her Flash and Heal up. It’s going to be really hard to kill her again. We need to come up with something before then.
✹
At 17 minutes, Shanghai High School and High School 13 were getting ready for the second Dragon, which was spawning soon. They started moving towards the Dragon pit and were looking to drop some wards down around the area. Shanghai High School’s Kalista was the first to arrive. She walked through her own Jungle into the river below the Dragon pit. There, she walked right into Tang Bingyao’s Vayne who was walking up from the bot lane.
Tang Bingyao tilted her head, surprised. What’s she doing here? Half a second later, she smirked. I can kill her! She pressed down on her R key. Final Hour! A shroud of darkness wrapped around the Vayne! She gained bonus movement speed from her ultimate skill and also from her passive skill when moving towards an enemy champion. Come on! Get in range! She fired the first silver bolt before Kalista could start retreating into her own Jungle. She followed up with a second auto attack. Two silver rings appeared around Kalista. Then Tang Bingyao used the active skill from the Blade of the Ruined King to slow the Kalista. Next was a third auto attack and a third silver ring that appeared around the Kalista. All three rings exploded, dealing true damage.
Zeng Rui’s Leona and An Xin’s Nami were too far away from the fight when it happened. They both shouted instructions over their teams’ voice chats while rushing over to help their ad-carries. Zeng Rui’s Leona was the first to arrive at the scene thanks to Kalista’s ultimate skill–Fate’s Call! His Leona was pulled to her side, and then he launched himself toward the Vayne!
Tang Bingyao knew this was coming, her finger already hovering over the D key. I can do this! Flash! The Vayne blinked forward, straight through the Leona, causing the latter to overshoot and miss. Tang Bingyao then moved her finger over the Q key. Leona had another skill that could close the gap, Zenith Blade! The solar image of the sword projected out towards her Vayne. Tang Bingyao activated Tumble! She dodged the skill while also perfectly positioning herself for a Condemn on the Kalista. She pulled the heavy crossbow from her back and fired. A large bolt flew out and struck the Kalista, sending her colliding into the jungle wall behind her!
“HOOOLY!! ARE YOU SEEING THIS? ARE YOU SEEING THIS?” Westwind shouted into his microphone.
“OH MY GOD! WOOOO! GO VAYNE!” Silent Reed cried out.
The audience was also losing it. Tang Bingyao was doing what she did last game. A 1vs2. But this time around, there was something completely different about it. It wasn’t a move of desperation; it was a well calculated attack. She knew her skills. She knew what Shanghai High School had available. And she was prepared to dodge everything she needed to dodge to get the kill!
“TANG TANG GANG BEST GANG!”
“GG TANG TANG!”
“OH MY GOD! TANG TAAAAAANG! WOOOOOOOOO!”
“SAVE MR. BARBIE! SATANBARBIE’S HOLDING HIM HOSTAGE!”
“ANOTHER SOLO KILL! TANG TANG IS THE BEST!”
“WE’RE WINNING! WE’RE GOING TO WIN!”
“TANG TANG FOR MVP!”
The Relatability of Pooping Your Pants
Dev Thought: Alright. So when I told you guys the story about shitting myself as an adult yesterday, I only intended it to be a funny story. Because real talk, it is funny when someone shits their pants. And its been long enough for me that I can laugh at myself without dying of embarrassment. But then a bunch of people came out saying that they’d gone through something similar. One dude even DMed me about how a poopy pants incident in his life was a secret shame that weighed him down, and reading my story made him feel so much better about it. Kinda blew my mind. I was just going for a cheap and easy laugh because poop + embarrassment is funny. Honestly, I did not intend to touch other people’s lives or make them better.
But it really makes you think, doesn’t it? The classical definition of comedy is tragedy + timing. Because any tragedy is painful when you’re experiencing it in the moment. But with a little time and distance, you can look back on it and laugh. There’s something powerful about that. Only the things that we hold down and bottle up inside can hurt us. If we decide to let them hurt us. But if you can look at what happened and laugh at yourself, make other people laugh at it, the whole thing becomes a lot less depressing and loses that tragic edge. So, you know. Hi, my name is Devshard and I shit my pants as a freshman in University! And if you’ve also shit your pants, you’re not alone. And no one cares.
Which leads me into my second enlightenment about this whole thing. I’m starting to think that everyone needs to shit their pants as an adult at least once in their lives. Because it gives you REAL perspective on life and your place in it. Control is an illusion, everyone knows this by now or has heard it, yes? Lotsa things happen that are purely random and we can’t do shit about them. But there are a few precious things that we believe we have absolute control over. And the belief that you have control over those few things deludes you into thinking that you have far more control than you actually do. Something that we fundamentally take for granted as within our control is our bodies. We move when we want to move, we eat when we want to eat, and we shit when we decide to shit. This is a lie, an illusion, a delusion of control. When your control over your bowels, the thing that defined your first steps into independence from the dependent state of infancy, are removed from your control… that changes you as a person.
You realize exactly how insignificant and powerless you are. It grants you the wisdom that can only come from perspective. And with that, you can actually accomplish shit in the world. Possibly real change. So all of you out there that have shit your pants as adults and gained perspective, you’re the ones leading the charge into the future. What you do from here on out will actually determine the direction that humanity moves in.
Those of you who haven’t lost control over your bowels as an adult, you’ll get there. I genuinely hope that one day, you too end up in a situation where you shit your pants and gain enlightenment from it. And when you do, know that you are not alone. We are already here and waiting for you to join us.
Shanks Thought: I have never shit my pants before, at least not past the age of 7 and certainly not in an auditorium full of students taking an exam. I also don’t expect to start shitting my pants again until well past the age of 70, when my bowels start to fail me. Unless Devshard spikes my food with laxatives or something. But otherwise, I’m pretty confident in my bowel control.
I’m not buying Devhard’s spiel entirely. Plenty of old people shit their pants all the time, and they don’t appear any wiser for it. In fact, some resign themselves to their helplessness and act like children. So, I think Devshard is onto something, but he kind of veered off at a weird place and came to an equally weird conclusion. Shitting yourself won’t make you grow as a person. Overcoming that traumatizing experience might. Because it is traumatizing. So I’m going to put out a friendly PSA: DO NOT SHIT YOUR PANTS BECAUSE DEVSHARD TOLD YOU TO!!!
Not only will you not gain enlightenment, you’ll also end up with shit caked pants. Nobody wants to imagine that, or clean it. Do everybody a favour and seek your enlightenment the normal way. Like meditating. Or meditating after jerking off. Utilize that post-nut clarity for something more meaningful!
Dev Addendum: Okay. Do not misunderstand me. I am not telling you guys to run out to the mall and relax your bowels in the middle of a Zara! DO NOT DO THIS! ABSOLUTELY DO NOT DO THIS! AND IF YOU DO, THAT’S YOUR PERSONAL PRIVATE BUSINESS! DO NOT BLAME ME OR TELL THE POLICE THAT I TOLD YOU DO THIS!
I AM IN NO WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM GIVING YOU GUYS PERMISSION TO RANDOMLY SHIT YOUR PANTS OUTSIDE OUT OF CHOICE! NOR AM I ENCOURAGING YOU TO DO SO!
I am stating that if you end up in a moment where you lose control of your bowels, ride out that storm and be reborn a better person on the other side with wisdom and perspective. That’s all.
Shanks Addendum: Good clarification. I was confused there. But if you guys do end up shitting in the middle of the mall, and then get questioned by the police, tell them, “Daddy Devshard told me too! UwU!”
Dev Addendum 2: This is how I permanently lose my medical license and become homeless.