Lin Feng looked into Tang Bingyao’s eyes, her face right in front of his. He felt a shiver run down his body, but blamed it on the cold weather. “But, but I’m not talking,” he argued, confused. What’s going on? Why is she right in my face? Do I have something on my face? Is there some food there…? He tried to move his hand, but Tang Bingyao pushed it back down, staring at him. “Tang Tang…”
“You’re still talking! I told you to shut up!” Tang Bingyao pouted, stamping her foot on the ground.
Lin Feng shook his head. What is this? She’s lost it! She’s completely lost it! The alcohol has made her go crazy! He hesitated to consider if he should just stop talking. But then his mouth got the better of him. He muttered in a barely discernible voice, “You really can’t hold your booze at all. I ain’t drinking with you again…”
Tang Bingyao lightly pinched Lin Feng’s cheeks and glared at him. “Did… did you say something? I told you to stop talking and listen to me!”
Lin Feng slowly nodded, his eyes wide in horror. What does she want? Why is she doing this? I didn’t do anything! I’m really good at running home too! Let me go, please!
“Mhm! That’s a good boy,” Tang Bingyao said, nodding in satisfaction. “Ok, ok. Listen. I need to tell you something. Ok?”
Lin Feng kept nodding, pursing his lips together. Just tell me already… I don’t like this! I’m really good at feeling uncomfortable too! And… You’re drunk!
Tang Bingyao chewed on her lips, looking at Lin Feng’s mouth. I can say it… I can! Mhm! Say it! She felt butterflies lifting her stomach up and her cheeks flaring scarlet. She said, “I…”
Lin Feng was still nodding. Yes, yes. You! You something! Move it along, please! It’s cold! I want to go home and curl up under my blanket! Did I mention that I’m really good at curling up under my blanket too?
“I… I-I…” Tang Bingyao muttered. Her entire body began trembling and shaking. “I… I-I…” A dizzy spell assaulted her, making her vision spin and her eyes suddenly felt incredibly heavy. “L-Ling Feng, I… I… I lov…” She trailed off before she could finish her sentence, her eyes closing and her face falling on Lin Feng’s shoulder.
Lin Feng moved his head a bit to the side to try and get a look at what Tang Bingyao was doing, keeping his lips tightly sealed the whole way through. But after a good several seconds of nothing happening, except for soft snoring sounds, his impatience got the better of him. He lightly pushed her away and asked, “What did you want to say? You lov what? What’s that even mea— Hey! Tang Tang! Wake up!” He shook her. At first gently, but then with a bit more force. “Wake up, Tang Tang! Wake up!” But Tang Bingyao was already fast asleep.
Lin Feng looked around at his surroundings. They were on their usual route. It was a little further until the intersection where they usually went their separate ways. “Tang Tang! Come on! Don’t do this to me! I don’t know where you live! Please! Wake up! Wake up!”
Tang Bingyao wrapped her arms around Lin Feng and buried her face into his neck, leaning on him with her full weight. She was smiling and mumbling incoherently.
“Aaaah! Wake up! Wake up! WAKE UP!” Lin Feng shouted. But there was no response. Tang Bingyao was fast asleep. He grimaced and shook his head, mumbling quietly, “I’m never drinking with you again!” What do I do with her now? I don’t even know where she lives! Maybe I can call Ren Rou? But what if she’s in bed already? I don’t want to wake her up… Is there a home phone number I should know? No… Dammit. He glanced at Tang Bingyao again. I can’t leave her here either… Can I? There’s a bench over there… He shook his head in frustration and mumbled, “I can’t do that.”
Lin Feng chewed on his lips, considering his option. He was desperately wrecking his brains on finding a solution, but nothing was coming to mind. He finally sighed. Fine, I’ll take you to my place. You can sleep it off… He put his arm behind her knees and the other around her shoulders, and then lifted her up. “I’m never drinking with you again,” he grumbled as he started walking home.
“STOP KNOCKING! I’M COMING!” Su Xue shouted. “Seriously! How many times are you going to forget your keys!? Your memory is the worst! Bring your damn keys with you! I’m going to sew them into your arms! You’ll never forget them again!” She stopped in front of the door and pulled it open with all her might before continuing, “Why can’t you just remember to bring your damned ke—”
Su Xue stopped talking. Her mouth fell open. She stared at Tang Bingyao leaning on Lin Feng’s shoulder, barely conscious. “W-what the… Are you… Did you… Is she…” Did he bring her over for sex? Why did he forget his keys? I don’t wanna know this… OR SEE IT! She abruptly turned around and stomped away, only to stop herself halfway back to her room. She looked back over her shoulder and scrunched her eyebrows. “Uh, Lin Feng?” She briefly waited to get his attention and then asked, “Isn’t it her birthday? How did she… How did the two of you end up like this? What happened?”
Lin Feng struggled to carry Tang Bingyao inside and had her sit down on a stool. He then turned to look at Su Xue and explained, “Yeah, it’s her birthday. We were celebrating with a few drinks, but she can’t handle her alcohol at all! And she didn’t warn us or anything! Well, then I had to walk her back home. But guess what? She passed out on me! Right there on the street! And she wouldn’t wake up either! I don’t even know where she lives and the others are probably in bed already!” He scratched the back of his head and continued, “And, uhh, well, now we’re here…”
Su Xue’s eyes went wide. She rushed to the kitchen and came back seconds later with a bucket. “IN HERE!” she shouted at Tang Bingyao, whose eyes were opening, as she shoved the bucket into Tang Bingyao’s arms.
Tang Bingyao looked down at the bucket in her hands and then up to see where it came from. “Oh, it’s Su Xue!” she exclaimed. “Hiiiiii!” And then the bile and vomit came up from her stomach. She retched and puked into the bucket. The sour, rotten egg, disgusting smell of alcohol quickly filled the apartment. Then, seconds after puking everything out, Tang Bingyao fell peacefully back asleep.
Su Xue shook her head and said, “She’s really drunk. Too drunk. Here, help me bring her to my room. She can sleep it off on my bed.” She stepped forward and hoisted Tang Bingyao up together with Lin Feng. They then brought the lightweight to Su Xue’s bedroom and put her down on the bed. All the while, Su Xue’s stream was running in the background.
「where’d xue xue disappear off to? Did she go out to buy milk?」
「we’ve been abandoned! FEELSBADMAN」
「BABEH COME BECK!!!! YOU CAN BLAME IT ALL ON MMEEEEEHHHHHHHH!!!!!」
「did she go to get the door? did lil bro come back or sumthing?」
「I bet that’s what happened. Lil Bro always forgets his keys when he leaves the house. Like seriously, remember to bring your keys with you, Lil Bro!」
The confusion, dismay, and all other negative messages disappeared suddenly when Su Xue entered the room. The chat shortly flooded with welcome back messages, until they spotted Lin Feng and a girl they’d never seen before. The new girl seemed non responsive, with Lin Feng and Su Xue putting the lifeless body down on the bed.
「am i seeing things!? Is that another person!?!?!?!?!?」
「uhhhhhhhhh……. She ok?」
「Looks passed out to me? ……」
「what’s going? why would lilbro and xue xue bring body to the stream?????? this some sick cosplay???」
「SOMEONE CALL THE POLICE!!! WE”VE GOT OURSELVES A BODY!!!」
「oh shit, I’ve seen this kind of intro before! LEMME WHIP OUT MY MASSIVE ……」
「intro my fat shiny ass! THIS A MURDER SCENE! THEY HIDIN THE BODY!!!!!」
Su Xue helped Lin Feng put Tang Bingyao on her bed, until she saw her computer in the mirror. “Crap! I forgot to turn off the stream! Put her on the bed!” She let go of Tang Bingyao and rushed to the computer, where she clicked on a button to kill the stream. She then glanced at the chat, browsing through the earlier messages and complaints. Fucking idiots! It’s not a body! She shook her head and slammed down on the enter key
EveningSnowfall:「It’s not a body, idiots! She’s a friend who had too much to drink. We’re just letting her sleep it off! DON’T CALL THE POLICE!」
“There, done,” Lin Feng said, exhausted. He let himself fall down on the extra chair Su Xue had in her room and stared at Tang Bingyao for a minute. Then he got back up and said to Su Xue, “I’ll leave the rest to you. I’m heading off to bed too! I’m exhausted.”
“Hey! HEY! STAY HERE! GET YOUR ASS BACK IN HERE!” Su Xue yelled after Lin Feng as he left the room. But he wasn’t listening. She grumbled a few more complaints before turning around to look at Tang Bingyao. At least she’s sleeping… And it’s probably for the best that I take care of her. She’s far too drunk for anything with him… She scrunched her eyebrows and chuckled. He’s probably too stupid to even think about that. I’m guessing he’s annoyed that he had to carry her here more than anything. But yeesh. Why do I always have to be the adult? I want to be a child for once!
Su Xue helped Tang Bingyao take off her freezing cold clothes and change into something warmer and more comfortable. Then she put a thick blanket over Tang Bingyao and walked to the kitchen. Hmm… I’ll clean the puke up first, because there’s no way the little shit has done that. And then I need to get Tang Tang a new bucket, just in case. And I should also put a warm cloth on her forehead, that always did wonders for me. Maybe I can make her some honey lemon tea as well. She’ll like that if she wakes up during the night…
It took Su Xue only a couple of minutes to cross everything off her to-do list. She then sat down on the edge of her bed, staring at Tang Bingyao. These kids are lucky to have me. I’m way too nice to them. But look at her. She’s so cute. I wonder what she’s dreaming about…
Tang Bingyao had rolled on her side and grabbed a pillow, which she was now tightly hugging. Every now and then, she’d mumble a few words. But they were mostly intelligible, with the exception of ‘Lin’ and ‘Feng’. But judging by the smile on Tang Bingyao’s face, Su Xue guessed it was a pretty good dream. She chuckled and shook her head. “How does that stupid kid keep bringing girls home for a sleepover…? First BunBun and now Tang Tang! Does he like both of them? Maybe neither?” She suddenly started giggling. “Maybe he’ll bring home a third girl! What was that other girl from his team called again? Rou Rou? Yeah, I think it was Rou Rou. I guess that’d be kind of funny…”
It is stream-day! Shanks is going live in approximately 2 hours! Have an early dinner! Call in sick from work! Be up in the middle of the night! Because you don’t want to miss this! Shanks is going to feed his ass off in ranked queue!
WHEN: THURSDAY – March 11th, 2021 @ 10 A.M PST/1 P.M EST/6 P.M GMT/5 A.M ADT
WHO: LITTLESHANKS PLAYING DRAVEN (Tang Bingyao’s main champion)
Chapter Thought: Drunk Horoscope
Sietse Thought: I was searching the internet for some truly horrendous, idiotic, stupid, or downright batshit crazy things people have said while drunk. It’s quite a bit harder than it sounds, unfortunately. There are countless weird things people have done. Like this dude who was walking and couldn’t see his hands. So he raised them to his face and he could see them again. Took him a few attempts to realise he was walking in the river… Hilarious, but not what I was looking for.
Then I found something far better than what I was originally looking for. There are horoscopes for drunk people! That’s right! These horoscopes will tell you what kind of drunk person you are! I got all excited and started reading them. Maybe I had an exciting drunk night coming soon. Who knows? But nah. These horoscopes sucked. They just said what kind of drunk person I was, not what my drunk version is up to. So I decided we need to change that. We’re going to write our very own Rise Drunk Horoscope!
Warning! Please do not take what comes next seriously. This is not a real horoscope. Not that others are, but this one definitely isn’t. It’s a joke. Something I had fun putting together. This isn’t the universe telling you to get drunk or stay sober, it’s me having a laugh. Warning!
Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19): Drunk chads isn’t the reason you can’t find yourself a girlfriend. Poor taste by drunk sorority girls isn’t the reason either. As hard as it might be to accept, the issue is you. You’re a creep, an incel, a terrible human being. But it’s not too late! Take a long, good look in the mirror. Understand that change starts from within! Stop staring at your crush’s boobs, she doesn’t like it! Don’t stalk her on social media, no one likes a creep! And please, for the love of all that is holy, stop when she says no. Accept that it wasn’t meant to be. Have a drink and move on.
Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20): Every group of friends needs a designated driver. But everyone always has an excuse why they shouldn’t be the designated driver, including you. But we both know that you really want to be the designated driver. You don’t like to drink. The taste is, as you like to put it, “Yuckie.” There’s nothing wrong with that. You don’t have to hide that. Your friends won’t think less of you. Have a soda and make sure your friends get home all right!
Gemini (May 21 – Jun 20): You often find yourself at the end of the night sitting alone in a corner. Your friends have left hours ago. Or was it weeks? You can’t remember. The days have blurred together. But you remember your last conversation with them. You tried to explain to them how drinking was just a hobby. Somewhere deep inside you must realise, drinking alone isn’t a hobby. It’s an addiction. Listen to your friends and seek help.
Cancer (Jun 21 – Jul 20): There are people out there, you very much included, who feel the need to act all pseudo-intellectual. These people, you very, very much included, Google about a certain topic and read about it for 30 minutes. Then you go to your “friends” (p.s. They don’t like you) and you lecture them for hours on a topic you really don’t know anything about. Why do you do this? No one fucking knows. But they wish you would stop. And they’re right. But you’re too busy with your pseudo-intellectual persona to realise that. So here’s a word of advice. Put your phone down and turn your computer off, go to a bar, and get fucking wasted. You’ll see that people like drunk you a whole damn lot more than sober you. Because sober you is a miserable piece of shit that always tries to lecture others. People don’t like that, and rightfully so. Now flush that awful personality trait away with some Vodka!
Leo (Jul 23 – Aug 22): You’re the perfect example of a casual drinker. A night at the neighborhood bar throwing darts is your jam. And that is perfectly fine! Don’t listen to what your friends tell you about having to go clubbing to meet that special someone! Keep throwing your darts! Play a game of pool! And be your charming self! That special someone will know where to find you! A fair warning, though. Do not overdo the drinking. No one likes it when you come out of the toilet with your pants on your ankles.
Virgo (Aug 23 – Sep 22): The first 21 years of your life were spent pushing back that voice in your head. It always tries to convince you to do the weirdest, most bizarre things imaginable. And while trying to force it down, you become a grey canvas. Someone so incredibly dull that even the ugly nerds don’t wish to be around you. But there is an easy solution. Have a drink! Get a little tipsy! Give up the control you so desperately try to cling on to! Let the voice out! Because that voice is you! And you’re amazing!
Libra (Sep 23 – Oct 22): You are blessed by the Thundercock himself. Life knows no downs for you. Women fall at your feet, as do men quite honestly. No one can get enough of you. You’re handsome and pretty at the same time. You’re funny and intellectual. You’re every good property a person looks for in their spouse. Keep being you! Rock on! And enjoy a Leffe Blonde with Sietse Thundercock!
Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21): Booze is not your friend. You get uncontrollably miserable when you drink. It doesn’t just make you feel like shit, it makes everyone around you also feel like shit. That’s why you find yourself so often alone. Please stay away from the alcohol. No one likes you drunk.
Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21): Everyone is always convinced that alcohol loosens people up. But sometimes it does quite the opposite. One beer is enough for you to turn from the life of the party to the plant that stands in the corner, creepily staring at the men and women you’d usually start a casual conversation with. Your life will become substantially easier when you recognize this. Alcohol isn’t the staple of a cool guy. And you are the living proof of that. Sober you is a cool dude. Drunk you is a boring plant everyone forgets about.
Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19): Drunk you knows how well you can sing, so why doesn’t sober you? Why are you so embarrassed when you catch yourself humming to a tune? Your voice is magisterial! When people complain, it’s because you stopped humming and because they’ve only heard from their friends who saw you in the club last night just how magisterial your voice is! Please! Have a Cosmopolitan to wet your lips and sing! Share the beauty that is your voice! The world wants to hear it!
Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18): The people you think of as your friends never invite you to their parties, but you keep going anyway. You drink their booze and force yourself into their pictures. And they let you because they feel bad for you. They know you aren’t a bad person. You’re just lost. You think the entire value of a human is how much alcohol they can handle. But here’s a newsflash. Life isn’t American Pie. The type of people who enjoy a good party isn’t the type of people you would have the most fun being around. There are endless groups of Dungeons & Dragons players out there looking for a brilliant Dungeon Master. That could be you. You certainly have the wit, but only when you stop coming up with increasingly convoluted ways to get into a party you weren’t invited to.
Pisces (Feb 19 – Mar 20): You are the life of the party. People come to the club just to get a glimpse of you. They dream to be like you. Funny and confident. You’re not the prettiest or most handsome, quite the opposite really, but your big grin and the happy jump in your step is enough to draw the world to you. And the girl from your dreams will see this too. Love is coming for you!
Our Brand New, Super Awesome Sign Off Message:
I wake up every morning to Devshard doing weird shit. Each morning is a new adventure. I used to dread these moments, but I’ve come to look forward to them. What crazy shit did Devshard come up with this time? Well. Today was something truly horrendous. Devshard has started a new cult! The CowCult! It’s a simple cult, really. All you do is scream MOO! whenever he says koe! Koe is simply the Dutch word for cow. I like how it sounds more.
DEVSHARD SAYS: KOE!
Shanks: You guys are stupid… Moo…