Look Mommy, I’m a Famous Online Troll!

Bookmark (0)
ClosePlease login

No account yet? Register

Bloodsucker belonged to a specific subset of the League of Legends player base. He’d risen up to the top of the ranks and was a far better player than any of his friends. When they found out how good he was at the game, they started cozying up to him. They were suddenly his best friends and wanted to play with him whenever he had some free time. Then they’d tell him how good he was and how he was carrying them out of elohell. The compliments boosted Bloodsucker’s ego, until eventually he became convinced that he was the best player in the entire game. Whenever he won a game, he told his teammates that they sucked and that they should thank him for carrying them. And when he lost, then it was never his fault. His teammates were to blame.

In this game, Bloodsucker was too eager to kill God Roundy’s Riven. He failed to see the trap and walked his Tryndamere right into the brush where Rengar was waiting to kill him. Lee Sin had warned him, but he didn’t like to listen to his teammates. He was convinced they were bad players, and so they weren’t worth his time or energy. But now he was dead. He got baited. He, the best player in all of League of Legends! I DIDN’T GET BAITED! If only this Trashlee had come for back up, we would’ve gotten a double kill! And why is this Rengar so strong anyway? WHAT THE FUCK! HOW BAD IS THIS LEE SIN? How did he already give a kill away? THIS IS FUCKING STUPID! WHY AM I ALWAYS STUCK WITH THESE STUPID FUCKING TEAMMATES? I always have to do everything myself… This is going to be hard. I just gotta carry these trashplayers.

Bloodsucker (Tryndamere):Would’ve gotten the double if your useless ass wouldn’t have been so busy being a whiny little bitch! Stop feeding that stupid Rengar!

The Lee Sin player was pissed. He glared at his team chat and wanted nothing more than to respond to Bloodsucker. This fucking troll! I warned him! I WARNED HIM! He took a couple of deep breaths through gritted teeth. I can’t argue with him. Must not argue. That’s just going to get me more upset. Don’t stoop to his level. Just play the game. Ignore that fuckhead! He took one more breath and then exhaled loudly. Calm down. Just ignore top for a bit. He turned his attention to the other lanes as he went back to his jungle to farm his jungle camps.

The game was 6 minutes in. Lin Feng had just cleared his top side jungle and was looking for a gank opportunity, when he saw Tian Tian’s Riven reaching Level 6. Trynd is still Level 5. Time to go top for another easy kill! He said to Tian Tian, who sat next to him in the cybercafe, “Fatty, I’m coming for a gank! Push the lane!” Then he had his Rengar sneak into the Blue team’s top side Jungle.

Tian Tian glanced at the minimap while he started pushing the minion wave into the Blue Team’s outer tower. “Ok! We’re going to dive him?”

“Yeah!” Lin Feng replied, grinning. He had his Rengar stop in the brush that opened into the Blue Team’s top lane right behind the outer tower. Then he flicked his screen and watched Tian Tian engage. Nice! Push him to me, Fatty! Lin Feng waited in the brush as Tian Tian’s Riven unleashed all her skills on the Tryndamere, hacking away at him with her reforged blade. Yes, yes. Push him my way. Haha! This Trynd is so predictable!

Bloodsucker’s Tryndamere got away from the Riven. He smiled as he stopped some distance behind his outer tower. Suck that, Fat Roundy! His Tryndamere had less than ten percent health remaining, but he’d survived a towerdive by RoundyRound! What a fucking noob! I should go play professionally, maybe China would finally wi—

Lin Feng had waited patiently for the Tryndamere to walk into range of Unseen Predator, Rengar’s passive skill that allowed him to leap at champions and minions from a brush. Too predictable. He clicked on the Tryndamere. His Rengar leaped from the brush and clawed down onto the Tryndamere. Then, just as he was about to deal the killing blow, a pure and powerful green ki cut through the Tryndamere, shearing away the last of his health. Tian Tian’s Riven had dealt the killing blow with Wind Slash!

An enemy has been slain!

Lin Feng laughed and exclaimed, “Sweet! Top lane is yours now!” He paused for a moment before adding, “Fatty, you want to take the tower too? Or…”

Tian Tian shook his head and said, “Eh, not yet. I think it’s better to keep it up a little longer.”

Lin Feng nodded and suggested, “Then how about I come gank him two more times? We’d tilt him off the face of the earth!”

“I don’t know. I think top is pretty much over,” Tian Tian said. He looked around the map and then asked, “Why don’t you farm the Jungle a bit?”

“Farm the Jungle?” Lin Feng rubbed his chin and scanned his own Jungle. Nah, too boring. Then he looked at Blue team’s Jungle and started grinning. “Sure! That could be fun too!”

Lin Feng had his Rengar go back into Blue team’s top side Jungle and attacked the Gromp, which was the nearest jungle camp. All the while, grinning like a child who’d gotten their hands on the cookie jar. This reminds me of Season 1… What did they always say? Shit, can’t think of the exact words… Something like ‘My jungle is mine and your jungle is mine too!’ Watch me Lee Sin. Your jungle is mine now!

The Gromp died. Lin Feng’s Rengar went to the Wolves Camp next, which was left of the Blue Buff Camp. Lin Feng attacked the two small wolves first before killing the big one, panning his camera around the map. Lee Sin is gonna come top for another gank. He has to if he wants his team to win! Or Fatty will just 1vs5 them. So I just have to be there waiting for him, hehe!

There was a lull in the game for the next few minutes. Lin Feng farmed his own jungle and Blue Team’s jungle, while also searching for Lee Sin. But he seemed to have disappeared from the map. After the failed gank in top lane, he hadn’t shown himself in any lane.

Then at 9 minutes, Lee Sin made a gank in the mid lane and helped his Syndra kill the Ziggs. It was a fast kill in which both Blue team’s Champions used all their skills. Lin Feng was farming the Gromp in Blue team’s top side jungle, and was too far away to offer any help. But before he could complain about this, Lee Sin ventured into the top side’s jungle. Lin Feng’s Rengar hid in a brush and waited for Lee Sin to walk by. And then he killed Lee Sin. There was no suspense to it. Lin Feng’s Rengar was stronger right now and the Lee Sin’s skills were still on cooldown.

You have slain an enemy!

Tian Tian had also found an opening in the top lane. He pushed the minion wave into Blue team’s outer tower and then activated his Riven’s ultimate skill–Blade of the Exile! A resplendent green light lit up around her, reforging her broken blade! Then she lashed out with the first strike of Broken Wings! She followed up with the second and finally hacked down into the earth for the third, knocking the Tryndamere up into the air!

Bloodsucker’s Tryndamere only had a sliver of health remaining when he fell back to the ground. Undying Rage! His lust for battle reached new heights just as a lethal slash of runic energy cut through him. The attack didn’t kill him as red rage exploded from his body, turning him for a short period into a true immortal! Then he activated Ghost and used the bonus movement speed to run far away from Tian Tian’s Riven.

“Lin Feng!” Tian Tian shouted.

“I GOT THIS!” Lin Feng hollered in reply. He pressed down on the R key–Thrill of the Hunt! Rengar entered stealth as his eyes appeared above the Tryndamere who was now in between his outer and inner tower. Lin Feng’s Rengar prowled through Blue team’s top side jungle and then charged into the top lane. He leaped at the Tryndamere and slashed him down! SAVAGERY!

Killing Spree!

“Thanks!” Tian Tian smiled. “That was great!”

Lin Feng laughed happily and said, “That Trynd must be so mad! This is hilarious! Oh! And I’ve got 3 kills now too!”

Bloodsucker (Tryndamere):Trash Rengar.. Get off Riven’s cock. Can you be any more in love with this trash player? Fucking cocksucker.

Tian Tian’s smile evaporated when he read the message in all chat. He didn’t like to be insulted, but he hated it when his friends got insulted! “This Tryndamere! Seriously, this is a Challenger game. Not Bronze,” he complained. Then he hit the Enter key and started typing out a reply, until Lin Feng stopped him.

“Don’t,” Lin Feng said as he shook his head. Then he grinned and added, “Look how bad we made him tilt! And it was so easy too! How about we pay him back for that message by killing him again?” Then he stared at the Tryndamere. You’re such an idiot. So let me give you a special treatment. I’ll set up a tent in top lane and camp until you rage quit!

Lin Feng kept true to his word. He never left top lane, except to buy items in the fountain. And the Tryndamere didn’t learn from his mistakes. He kept going in on Tian Tian’s Riven, and he kept getting killed by Lin Feng’s Rengar. The Syndra and Lee Sin tried to help Tryndamere a couple of times, but quickly gave up on that. They realized that Tryndamere was a lost cause. He had tilted so hard that he couldn’t distinguish right from left anymore. All he could do was feed another kill and then insult the entire team and their mothers.

At 20 minutes into the game, Tryndamere had died a total of 8 times. The last of which was by far the quickest and easiest death. He’d been trying to get some gold by killing Jungle camps, when a wild Rengar jumped on him. He was dead before he even knew what happened. A slur of insults followed in all chat, followed by his teammates begging for him to stop typing.

Lin Feng was having a great time in top lane. He was laughing and joking with Tian Tian as they killed anyone who came to their top lane. And whenever Tryndamere died, Lin Feng shouted, “Another point on the rage-o-meter! Let’s get another point! Rage more! Rage more!”

The Blue Team tried to fight back against Lin Feng’s Rengar and Tian Tian’s Riven. But they weren’t winning the other lanes either. Little by little, they found themselves being pushed back. Top lane lost its inhibitor after 23 minutes, and bot lane lost its inhibitor tower a minute later. There was no more winning and finally after 25 minutes, the Blue team surrendered.

The 10 players were transported to the end game lobby. There was a chat here that everyone could see. And they all got front row seats to the Tryndamere blowing up another storm of abuse.

Bloodsucker (Tryndamere):Fucking trash shit ass teammates! All these fucks know how to do is kiss ass to pros!
Bloodsucker (Tryndamere):You dumb fuck retards might as well offer to suck his dick!
Bloodsucker (Tryndamere):Boosted fucks!!!!
FishyCat12 (Nami):r u on drugs or something!??!?!!?
Moody Steer (Syndra):bro, you got your ass beat by Roundy before the Regnar even started ganking you. Grow up already, please
SpeedDemon (Lucian):Why is it always the feeders who think they’re the best player in the world? Jesus, you’re such a flaming pile of shit, Tryndamere. Reportx9, pls
LyricalRifle (Lee Sin):I fucking warned you for your first death! You could’ve backed then and had a good game!
LyricalRifle (Lee Sin):But no. You had to go in. And then you got fucking owned!
LyricalRifle (Lee Sin):That’s on you. Not us. YOU> WE LOST BECAUSE OF YOU!
LyricalRifle (Lee Sin):My god. What are you? 12? Or just mentally unstable?
Bloodsucker (Tryndamere):Shut your ugly fat face lee… Or stuff it like your dear shitty noob roundy does!
Bloodsucker (Tryndamere):I bet you’re just as fat a pig as that disgusting fatass is!!
Bloodsucker (Tryndamere):What are you even sucking his balls for? he lost 0-3 to ssk like the fat noob he is..
Bloodsucker (Tryndamere):Your precious god of fast food is a fucking embarrassment to China!

Lin Feng looked at Tian Tian after that last comment. His face had turned pale and his upper lip was quivering. Lin Feng could see it quivering under the mask. Tian Tian’s eyes turned shiny and he blinked faster and faster as water pooled into them. Those last few comments had really hit home, and Lin Feng could visibly feel how much they’d upset Tian Tian. Lin Feng turned his head back to his monitor and narrowed his eyes. You can say whatever you want about me, I don’t care. But you went way too far with Fatty! You crossed the line there. I’m going to make you regret this! I don’t know how yet. Or when, or where. But no one touches Fatty! I’m gonna make you pay for this!

The Fox and the Hound

Dev Thought: The only Disney movie that has ever moved me to the point of complete sobbing is The Fox and the Hound. I don’t know what it is about that movie, but it makes me cry every time. The Fox and the Hound were best bros who grew up together. And then their stations in life/species turns them into enemies. But they’re still best bros and the hunting and hiding hurts them.

Too many feels.

Sietse Thought: Alright, Devs. Let’s get back to the chapter. There are issues and I need your help on this!

Dev (Continued): Back to the Fox and the Hound. The end of the movie. When Copper the Hound protects Tod the Fox from the Hunter? Holy shit.

So many feels.

What a great movie. A true friendship between bros transcends all things. And is the most unshakable in this universe.

Dev fed and now ded. Bai.

Sietse (Continued): B-but… Devs! I need you to come on voice chat with me! I need to hear that increasingly furious smashing sound from your keyboard as you jab your keys louder and louder at every small and big mistake I’ve made!

Alright, screw the chapter. Disney movies it is. I’ve never watched this Fox and the Hound one, I think. After Googling it, the Fox and the Hound do look suspiciously familiar. Guess there’s only one way to find out. To ask Shanks on a date night and watch the movie with him! So Shanks, will you watch the movie with me? Just not on Sunday, I’ve already got Valentine’s plans… 

Shanks Thought: Well shit. Bro. I thought you’d never ask! Better not tell your girlfriend though. She might get mad that we’re having some alone time together. But I think we’d have a better bonding experience if we invite Devshard over too, and the three of us can have some good ol’ three-way bromance. Maybe we can have the people in the server tag along too. It’ll be a real sausage party.

But seriously though. Speaking of Disney movies, I’m pretty pissed with all these live action remakes they’re making. None of them are good, and it feels like I’m watching my childhood getting ruined one step at a time. Like, the latest Mulan movie was egregious. Might as well have made it some generic Chinese Wuxia film with all that qi bullshit.  

Sietse Addendum: Hold on. Hold on! I need some clarification on this. Are you saying just me alone isn’t enough to satiate your needs. And that only a full on 50 man+ sausage party can? Or are you shy and afraid you just aren’t good enough for the Thundercock himself, so you’re trying to invite others along? I’m just going to assume the second, because even to me 50 is a lot.

Buddy, Shanks, my dear friend, you don’t have to be embarrassed about yourself. You are good enough! You don’t need to hide behind anyone! I’ll watch the movie with you and it’ll be a romantic evening between just the two of us! And alright, alright. You’re right. This really isn’t a twosome, but a threesome. Maybe a foursome if we include Tas. But yeah, we gotta invite Devs. I’ll give you that.

As for the Disney movies… well, I don’t really care about the live action versions. What I would care about, however, is a Xianxia film with Qi. Just imagine, guys. We get this 10 hour video. Exactly 0,0000001 seconds of it is a fight scene. The rest is this guy sitting in secluded meditation to break through to the Empyrean level and become a true immortal!

Shanks Addendum:  No sausage party. No deal. I’m out!

Sietse Addendum: That’s what I said. No sausage party. Just you and me. Oh right, and Devs! We’ll get all mushy and then proceed to forget about the chapter. Perfect night, right?

Shanks Addendum: Okay…

Dev Addendum: Well. This took a weird turn. Here’s what happened. I ordered a French Onion soup in a bread bowl, a Mediterranian Veggie sandwich, and a mango smoothie for lunch from Panera Bread. This might have been prompted by ThingsAndStuff. I ate this very filling and carbohydrate heavy meal, and my South Indian physiology kicked in. I needed to take a nap. Immediately. Sietse pinged me about the Translator Thought, and in my half-asleep-from-a-carb-coma state I apparently blabbered about the Fox and the Hound and friendship between bros. And then the rest of this happened. I may have missed the part where Sietse asked for help with the chapter completely. 

But the Fox and the Hound is still such a great Disney movie. 

Notify of

Inline Feedbacks
View all comments