214

You spin me ‘right round, baby. Right ‘round like a record, baby

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“… he’s exhausted! KILL HIM! KILL HIM!” Zeng Rui screamed into his headset. He poured every ounce of concentration he had into the screen. We lost Xin Zhao, but now we’ll get to take Lin Feng and his Wukong out! Then we can wrap up the rest of this teamfight and get Dragon! GO! 

The four remaining Champions from Shanghai High School rushed towards Lin Feng’s Wukong. Orianna, Jinx,  Thresh, and Irelia. All locked in on the now exhausted Wukong. 

“What an Exhaust! What. An. EXHAUST!” Westwind screamed into the microphone. Half of the audience was chanting Zeng Rui’s name, agreeing with every positive thing Westwind had to say about their team captain. Westwind looked over the venue, grinning to himself, then continued, “A perfect display of pure skill… AGAIN! He knew the Wukong was coming in. HE KNEW!”

The Jinx was the first one of the four to get a lock on Wukong. She tossed out her Flame Chompers to root him down. Orianna followed up a split-second later and launched her Ball at Wukong while the Flame Chompers still arched through the air. Just as the Ball accelerated out from Orianna’s hand, Irelia materialized and fired four spirit blades at the Wukong—her ultimate, Transcendent Blades! Three Flame Chompers, one Ball, and four Spirit Blades flew through the air together, all aimed squarely at the Wukong! 

Just as Wukong was about to be rooted, pulled, rooted again and pierced by the volley of skills thrown at him, he dematerialized and blinked through everything! Then he rematerialized closer to the Dragon Pit, and started running towards the rest of his teammates. Wukong had escaped a shower of death and was now running towards safety! Lin Feng predicted what would happen when he went in for the kill on Xin Zhao, and he was ready and waiting with his finger on the D-Key. He Flashed through everything headed at him in the millisecond before they connected!

Silent Reed stood up for the first time in all the games she’d casted at the Shanghai 16 School Tournament. She grabbed her microphone and shouted, “Zeng Rui isn’t done! He’s having his team chase the Wukong! OH! Look! Look at the Jinx! The Jinx!”

The Jinx activated her ultimate skill. She loaded the Super Mega Death Rocket in her bazooka and fired it in the general direction of High School 13’s team. It struck the Morgana, a large explosion sweeping out around her. Within the clouds of smoke and dust was a terrifying murder smiley. When the plume of smoke cleared, Rek’Sai’s fallen corpse was on the ground. The Jinx had picked up a kill! This in turn activated her passive skill–Get Excited! She got a boost in movement speed and raced after the Wukong, who had also been hit by the splash damage from her Super Mega Death Rocket.

The Orianna called her Ball back to her side. Then she cast Command: Dissonance! This skill damaged and slowed enemy Champions, but it granted ally Champions a speedburst. The Irelia and the Orianna made use of this speedburst to follow Jinx in chasing down the Wukong. All the while, the Morgana ran South through the river. No one chased after her. Wukong was the high value target. Not just in terms of gold, but also in terms of game objectives. After killing him, Shanghai High School could take the Dragon uncontested. That would put them in a comfortable lead.

The Jinx had the Red Buff, which added a slow effect to her auto attacks. She caught up to the Wukong near the Dragon Pit and fired off a rocket at him, slowing him. “Gotcha!” Shanghai High School’s ad-carry laughed over the team’s voice chat. 3vs1, this Wukong is toast! “I got him, guys! Gothim!” The Wukong turned left into the Red team’s Jungle and towards the Blue Buff Camp. Shanghai High School didn’t have any wards placed there, so they briefly lost vision of the Wukong.

The Jinx placed down a ward in the Red team’s Jungle to get vision on the Wukong again. He was just standing there, perfectly still. But Jinx, Irelia, and Orianna were so caught up in the chase and the heat of battle that they didn’t stop to think or question why he was just standing there. They charged at the Wukong and started attacking him, until a voice boomed into their ears. “Back, NOW!” It was Zeng Rui. He also started pinging for them to retreat and continued yelling over the team’s voice chat, “Spread out! GET OUT OF THERE! He still has his ultimate! He still has his—”

Keikaku doori, thought Lin Feng while grinning. He’d jumped into Shanghai High School’s team to bait out their long cooldown skills, like Exhaust, then flashed away to negate the effect of those skills. He made it look like he was desperate, as if he’d made a terrible misplay. But it was anything but that. Everything was within his control. He even paused ever so slightly while running away towards his Jungle to let the Jinx catch up and fire a rocket at him, slowing him. Then he cut their vision and used Warrior Trickster.

“He… He…” Westwind muttered into his microphone. The audience was still cheering. It hadn’t yet registered what was happening. The Shanghai High School students just saw their team chasing after the Wukong who was surely dying in the next few seconds. But Westwind was an expert of the game. He slammed his palm down on the desk and shouted, “THE TURN AROUND! WUKONG IS THE BAIT AND THE SHOOTER!”

Lin Feng was laser focused on the fight. His Wukong had split in two. The clone stood around as the three champions from Shanghai High School rushed up to it. The real Wukong ran towards the Jinx, Irelia, and Orianna under the cover of invisibility. His finger hovered over the R key. He pushed down lightly, stopping just before actuating the switch. “Tang Tang, goGoGO! Let’s win this!” Then he activated his ultimate. His Wukong whipped out his enchanted staff and held it out in front of him, then went into a wild spin–Cyclone! The Jinx, Irelia, and Orianna were knocked up into the air.

“People, people!” Westwind shouted at the deafening audience. “PEOPLE! Look at that outplay! They’re going to win! High School 13 is going to win this teamfight! Let’s hear it for… WIN FENG!”

Silent Reed exclaimed, “Westwind, look. Look! The Tristana!”

Westwind turned away from the audience, who were screaming whatever he made them scream, and looked up at the large screen above the stage again. There he saw it. Tristana, who hadn’t been in the fight at all until now, was jumping in. “Tristana! PeoplePeople! Let’s hear it for… TRISTANA!”

Tang Bingyao was out of position when the teamfight started. She was forced to walk a long way around to join the fight, which she only managed to do after Chen Ze’s Twisted Fate got killed. She’d decided to hang back and wait for the right opportunity to jump in. That was now. Lin Feng had asked for her help! She pressed down her W key–Rocket Jump! Her Tristana aimed her cannon at the ground and fired, launching herself towards Lin Feng and the three players from Shanghai High School. She then activated Rapid Fire. Her cannon’s muzzle ignited with a blazing fire, increasing her attack speed. Then she threw a bomb on the Jinx and charged it up–Explosive Charge! One auto attack was one charge. Each charge dealt exponentially more damage.

After the third auto attack, Tang Bingyao activated Tristana’s ultimate skill–Buster Shot! Her Tristana loaded a massive cannonball into her weapon and fired it at the Jinx. It dealt a ton of damage and also added the final charge to the Explosive Charge. The Jinx exploded.

《You have slain an enemy!》

“Mhm!” Tang Bingyao smiled, briefly letting go of her mouse to ball a fist. She wasn’t going to lose this game, she was going to win it! The cooldown of Rocket Jump reset after getting the kill. She used it to jump on top of the Orianna, paying careful attention to the other Champions from Shanghai High School. Her finger hovered over the D key. I can’t make a mistake. I have to win this. I have to…

What he feared most happened in front of his eyes. Zeng Rui stared at his screen. For the second time in this game, he was caught off guard. He’d chased after the Wukong just like the rest of his team. He was the one who’d give the order! It wasn’t until Wukong disappeared in the fog of war that he realized something was wrong. He didn’t know why, or what was wrong. It’d just been a feeling. This thundering dumbass! His entire team was caught out! He had to do something. If he could help just one escape, that would already be a massive accomplishment. The Tristana was firing away at the Orianna. He aimed at her and pressed down on the Q key–Death Sentence!

Tang Bingyao pressed down on the D key–Flash! She’d been expecting the Death Sentence. Her Tristana disappeared as the sickle cut through the air. She’d dodged it! I can do this! Mhm. I can! She took aim at the Orianna again, who was trying to run away. I’ll kill—

Lin Feng had his Wukong leap at the Orianna. Then he raised the enchanted staff high above his head, clutching it tightly with both hands, and slammed down with shattering force–Crushing Blow! Killing Blow!

《Double kill!》

Tang Bingyao stared at her screen. He stole my kill… Then she shook her head. Mnh-mnh. I’ll kill the Irelia! She started firing at the Irelia, who was caught running back and forth between the Wukong and Tristana, lost as to what to do.

Wei Dong arrived back in the fight. He hovered near the edge, far away from the Thresh and Irelia, yet close enough to protect Tang Bingyao’s Tristana with a Black Shield. Morgana had arrived just in time! 

Irelia had finally chosen her target. She jumped on the Tristana with Bladesurge and tried to stun her with Equilibrium Strike. But Morgana’s Black Shield popped up just before Equilibrium Strike landed, negating the stun. The Irelia’s skill had been wasted, and was now on cooldown. Things just got worse for her from there. Since no stun was applied, Tristana used Rocket Jump to get some distance. The Irelia found herself  locked between the Wukong and Tristana again, taking damage from both champions. She had to make a choice once again. Just like before, she decided to run down the Tristana. Wukong was a melee Champion, so chasing Tristana was her only way to get some distance from the Wukong. But it didn’t matter. Her health was dropped quickly. She took an enchanted staff to the back of her skull, after which a cannonball smashed into her face and finished her off.

《Double kill!》

Tang Bingyao balled her fist again. Double kill. Mhm! Then she looked at the Thresh, who until now had been trying to help his teammates escape. He stood in the middle of the river, far away from Blue team’s tower in the mid lane. Tang Bingyao smiled and pressed down on the W key–Rocket Jump! This skill reset when she got a kill. The Tristana aimed her cannon at the ground and fired, launching herself towards the Thresh.

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Shanks Thought: I titled this chapter this time around. I thought it was pretty good, when I made it. You know, it’s a song reference. Everybody likes the song, and it fits with the content of the novel. But then Devs takes one looks at it, and apparently his first reaction is to dry heave. I don’t get it. WHAT’S WRONG WITH MY TITLE!? He won’t answer me! I think it’s a good title. Maybe he’s just a hater of Dead or Alive and old 90s music. 


Dev Thought: Y’all see Ren’s announcement up on the frontpage about the site redesign and… all the other stuff he talked about that I didn’t actually read because I genuinely don’t give a shit? I kinda skimmed through it and decided there was very little there that was worth my attention. Anyways, I looked at the comments after skimming because there’s always something there that BLOWS my mind. And this comment section did not disappoint. There was one guy who commented with:
“The change to an SPA has got me worried that it will mess with my reading workflows.” 

(I added the underline to highlight the part that I zoned in on.) 

Now, if you’re like me, you’re probably wondering what in the nine circles of hell he’s talking about. So he’s referencing something from Ren’s announcement. This sentence: 

“We’re combining the redesign with a structural change to an SPA (single-page application) with an eye towards additional future modifications…” 

I’m a simple country doctor, not a 1337 h4x0r. So I had no idea what an SPA or single-page application was. Thankfully, Wikipedia cleared that up. My understanding of it is that certain parts of the page remain static while other parts of it load new data instead of reloading the whole page every single time you want to view new data from the web server. In dum-dum terms, when you click next chapter, only the part of the page with the chapter text will change to the chapter text from the next chapter. Instead of the entire page reloading to show you the next chapter. I think. Could be wrong, who really gives a shit though? I don’t actually need to know this. 

Let’s get to the real tea though. “Reading workflows” This man has apparently created a “workflow” for how he reads webnovels on the internet. Oh, right. Most of you are children or still in University. So you have no idea what a workflow is or why people make them. A workflow is a process, a systematic set of tasks that you do to output something. When you work at a job, you more or less end up doing the same sequence of tasks on a daily basis. So you come up with steps in your head for how you do them, how long it should take, and then you keep iterating for greater efficiency. The faster you finish the work you have to do at work, the more time you have to goof off at work. But workflow is a very professional term used in the workplace. 

This blew my mind because apparently this man has reached a place in his life where the only thing he has in his life is reading webnovels for 8+ hours a day. He has gotten to a point where he needs to figure out the most efficient way to consume the most webnovel content possible in the limited waking hours of the day. He needed to build a “workflow” in order to achieve this level of efficiency. And this “workflow” has been built to such precision that a change where only one part of the page loads new chapter text rather than the entire page reloading presents considerable potential issues. He was worried enough to make a comment letting WuxiaWorld know that this exists. 

I’m honestly not even sure what the lesson is here. Am I supposed to tell you guys to never let your lives reach a point where the only thing you do in a day is reading webnovels? Or am I supposed to tell you guys that using “professional jargon” in casual non-work-related conversation makes you sound like a doucheknuckle? I feel like both are very applicable morals. But very real talk here, these webnovels are supposed to be entertainment and nothing more. They’re supposed to be a spice on life, something that adds a bit of flavor. Not the meat of your lives. Savor the 5 or so minutes you read a chapter instead of trying to achieve absolute efficiency in reading as many as possible. There’s no rush. We’ll always be here, churning out chapters. Unless someone unironically says something like “I am worried this will cause a disruption in my reading workflow” to me and I laugh until my heart stops. 

Also, don’t use professional jargon outside the workplace. Ever. Just don’t do it. Talk like a normal person outside work. Talk like a normal person at work too. Only use the professional jargon when you really need it. And never, ever, ever, ever, ever say “reading workflows” in reference to webnovels. 

Shanks Thought: Man, I don’t really know what to say that hasn’t already been said. I’m a little confused about what offends Devshard more, though. The fact that someone is using professional jargon to refer to something they do for leisure, or that we have someone so dedicated to reading webnovels that they have to achieve absolute efficiency with their webnovel reading.

But hey, maybe he actually gets paid to read novels or something. Like you know one of those secret shoppers, but with webnovels? That’d be pretty cool. Get paid for every chapter you read. The fact is, we don’t know what circumstances led to this man needing to read at top efficiency every day. Maybe he’s just so ungodly well off that he has nothing better to do with his life. That’s a thing. There’s only so many places you can visit, so many experiences you can try. But books and stories don’t have that kind of limit. There’s always new worlds and concepts to explore. I don’t dig the guy for getting lost in them.

Actually, I have an idea and a possible explanation to this man of mystery! What if he’s super busy most of the time, and he only gets a few days off every year to sit back, relax, and enjoy a story? Maybe that’s why he’s binging so much and is trying to get in as much reading done as possible. It makes perfect sense! 

Dev Addendum: Real talk, I have no idea why Shanks spent twenty minutes coming up with this fictional scenario to justify and validate someone saying something stupid on the internet. I think we’re going for a Good Cop-Bad Cop routine here. 

“Dev & Shanks: The LittleShard Squad” — I’m the loose cannon with a short fuse and Shanks is the overly optimistic beacon of sunshine. Together, we go around investigating and interpreting meaningless bits of stupid on the internet. I’m always ready to go rogue and burn the house down while Shanks is inside baking the sad sack cookies while trying to find some way to justify the stupid. 0/5 Stars, worst movie ever made. 

Shanks Addendum: Eh. I’d go with “Off Peak”. Cause you know… I’m nowhere near as athletic as Jackie Chan and Devshard is nowhere near as funny or likeable as Chris Tucker.

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